We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
