dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
