Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
