Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
