his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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