Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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