I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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