Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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