he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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