So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
