i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
