You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
