She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
