I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize