For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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