So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
