I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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