I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
