This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
