I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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