well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
