We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
