I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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