First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
