every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize