oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
