I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
