I met the friendliest cop last night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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