Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
