M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize