i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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