He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
