I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
