I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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