just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
