Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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