why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize