i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
