She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
