You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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