my vag is so smooth its legendary
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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