mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
