I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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