I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
