So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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