god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a hot homeless man
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize