I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
