So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
