I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize