Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
