I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
