I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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