haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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