God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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