Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
