It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
