Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
