Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
