I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
my liver is dry heaving
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
