I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
