i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
