he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
