can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
