He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
