Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
