yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
