I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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