Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
