imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
