I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My ass is underappreciated
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
